i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
