Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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