oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
BRING THE BAGELS
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
