and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
