You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
