What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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