i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
