dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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