What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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