i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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