In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
