Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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