Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
