I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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