We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
