Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
