I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
