There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
