i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
