Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
