I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
