I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
