sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
