I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
