Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
