Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
