You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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