Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
