You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
