i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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