Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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