he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
