There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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