ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
