i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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