I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
