quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
