I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
