Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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