Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
