I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
