I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
