Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
