cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
