Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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