Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
