fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
