I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
