I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
