I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
In America we eat man semen.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
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